Missing You

Ron left early yesterday morning to go to Alabama to help John move his stuff. This morning Ronnie and I were sitting on the couch lamenting our "loss".

I realized how very important it is to have both parents. It's not as if I didn't really know,; but it was the expression on Ronnie's face when he was talking to Daddy so many miles away that helped me to see. He was next to tears the whole conversation.

We cannot wait until Daddy comes back. Ronnie's concept of time is beginning to form also. "Dad will be back tonight. He's already been gone a couple days.". I tried to explain that although it seems that way, we still have a couple more days to go.

My big boy has proven that he is still very young and although he attempts to do all these big boy things... he's still my baby.

Innocence Torn Apart

Have you ever felt so sure of something that if you were a betting person you would bet EVERYTHING you have simply because you cannot believe that the opposite would EVER happen?

I have!

Well only on a few occasions. One, I am sure of. My savior would NEVER leave me or FORSAKE me. He has ALWAYS seen me through. He has always been there when I needed Him and I can trust Him to always be there. No one else can fulfill that. This I know is true.

One of the other ones? My dear sweet friends Jim and Miche would be married forever. We, like lots of people, have fallen out of contact with one another and haven't spoken in the last year and a half.

We found them on Facebook. Separate. Really separate. How could this be?!? They were the best of friends, they worked. They fit!

I know, I know, you never know what it's like behind closed doors. Years have gone by since we really spent some time together and, well...people change.
I have.
They did.

I have been sad ever since I found out. It saddens me that it happens to people who foolishly marry. How much more it hurts me when two people who could have worked it out, who could have made it...didn't. I DON'T know the circumstances...but I know Jesus could have helped.

I have been trying to shed some tears (it helps me)....but just like always, when I want to cry. When I feel I must cry to "help" I can't. It only makes it worse.

I have no words of wisdom. I have no answer to the problem. I just have my Lord. He will see me through. I know, I sound like I'm the one going through a divorce. In essence, I am. I have to separate the past from the future and understand that, for right now, it's dead. A love that I thought would surely stand the test of all time is no more. We have not been able to talk to either of them. We will soon. Then we will share this heartache even more.

The saddest part is not the blow it did to my perception of love, but the blow it did to three very beautiful young ladies who needed their Mom and Dad together. That makes it worse. Innocence torn apart by Satan.

It is late and I must go.

Frustration

There are may things in life that occur and you wonder why they happen when they do. The past several years have been that way.
I am not at all immune to feelings of bewilderment, and lately that is just the best way to describe how I feel.
I don't seem to know which way to go. The only constant is Jesus. I am so thankful for that. Without that, I would be hard put.

Ferdinand

I love books. I love libraries and OLD bookstores. New ones are okay. Every lover of books will tell you that the book is much better than the movie. I believe it. With books, you have the image in your mind...maintaining your imagination and a part of your childhood.

When your children are born there are things that you hope for that are not necessarily goals...just things you want to pass down to them. One such item was reading certain books that my Mom read to me.

Ferdinand is by no means the best children's book. The only life lesson is to stop and smell the flowers. However, Ferdinand brings back an element of innocence for me. It's beauty is in the idea of an animal who is generally "fighting" (my word) and makes him revel in smelling flowers.

Ronnie and Kimmie now listen to it. Ronnie even knows who Ferdinand is. This is a simple joy. You see, it's only partly the book (although I do LOVE ,,,his mother saw that he was not lonesome, and because she was an understanding mother, even though she was a cow, she let him just sit there and be happy.)It's more what the book means to me. My Mom taking time to instill in me a fondness for books.

On an even greater note...Ronnie now has 3 Bible stories under his belt...Zacchaeus, Jonah and now Paul and Silas. He learned his first Bible verse, too. 1 Peter 2:17. I'm o proud of him!

No Turning Back

I put Ronnie to bed and after this I will look up a few more things to do for school this week. Yes, school. As I watched him fall into a sweet slumber, my heart cried. My boy is growing up.

Oh, I believe he is totally ready for school. No doubt about that. Am I? No. People tell you to cherish the time because it goes too fast. It does... and there is nothing to stop it. I think he is excited to learn and I am excited to help him learn....this is not the problem.

I am not ready for my children to grow up! I see Ronnie being so big ("How can I help you, Mommy?) and Kimmie wanting to fasten herself in to her carseat (she can do it all) and even Landon pushing to take those first steps. Of course they need me but...they can do stuff all by themselves.

You see, tomorrow we embark on a several year journey that will last about a week to me and 30 years to Ronnie. As soon as we start it though, there is nothing to bring back his babyhood. He will have crossed over into the great age of schoolhood.

When we moved to Michigan we put the girls back in public school and I cried and missed Megan and Rachel SO much at first. I was very immature when we were homeschooling and I wish I would have known now back then and it would have been better for Megan and Rachel.
I remember walking down the hallway after dropping Rachel off at her 5th grade classroom and my heart cried because we were apart. I couldn't understand why people were so happy when their children went to school. I wanted them back with me!

So now, as I start this journey with my son, I am sad that he will be changing so fast now. However, since I love him so much I know that I must guide him towards leaving the nest. I must teach him his ABC's and 123's. We will learn about art, science and history and .... I will also teach him stewardship, community service, duty, honor and how to handle life's situations. I know that people want to give others the right to teach their children. I feel it is my duty. I did not have them for others to raise them.

Because I love him, I will swallow my fears and become who he needs me to be. My precious, precious child...there will be no turning back once we take the first step...I pray I am worthy of the journey!

True Love

As I was getting ready for the day, I was summoned from Ronnie to hurry...Landon needed me. So I "quickly" got dressed. Why does it seem that the faster you need to move the slower you seem to go?

Well, I had a case of the hiccups (which is a very rare thing) so I was chuckling and trying to get ready and out there for my boy (I didn't think he was too bad off as he wasn't crying continuously). Well I got out there and the sweetest thing happened next.

I picked him up and sat down so I could give him my full attention. He just started to look at every detail of my face, as if trying to put it to memory for the times we are "apart". Then Ronnie came over and gave me a kiss. so when I looked at Landon he looked at me and gave me his first on the mouth kiss.

With the way he was looking at me and the kiss just made it a very sweet moment. These are the wonderful things that make Motherhood wonderful!

Guess I'll go eat worms

If you read my Facebook post you know that Ronnie said the cavatappi we had for dinner looked like worms, and to a 3 year old, I can see it. It is all in the eyes of the beholder. To a boy with a pretty good imagination, hollowed out curly noodles could indeed look like a worm.Of course, the topic kept going on and on about worms and the sauce "I yike dis sauce. It's good sauce. Worms are yummy...".

It gave me something to ponder. How a little child can take something that you would NEVER see as another object and make it that. I would never see that shape as a worm until Ronnie pointed it out. I can see it now.

So I thought about faith of a child. Ronnie doesn't have the world's philosophies in him. All he knows is what we have told him. He simply believes, because he takes us at our word. he doesn't have to question our motives, beliefs, or anything. He trusts us, so he trusts what we say is true. This is important to guard. Society has made it acceptable for children (especially teenagers) to question authority and to rebel. I know someone who teaches this. Ronnie is, in this sense, pure. This is where faith comes in.

Our Heavenly Father knows what's best (just as we do for our children). I just have to believe and trust that it will all work out. I heard one that having a lamb can help you to better understand the Bible, because when you truly see their personality and tendencies, you can see why things are written as they are. I guess this verse can be easier to understand when you have a child.

As a side note...Ronnie had accidentally knocked down a Kleenex on the floor right where Landon was. Thankfully I saw it and picked it up right away. I then told Ronnie how we have to be very careful because Landon can get very hurt, he could choke and he might even die and then he would be with Jesus.(strong words yes, but always a possibility). (We already had one episode with Landon) and I really wanted to stress it to him to be careful. His response? "Well, we would have Landon in our hearts and Jesus would have Landon in his heart."That's my boy! From worms to what's in your heart...he's pretty smart!